


5 2919 - 

;i5 Y3 

,py 1 THE ST-A.!?/ IDI?,^3^J^. 



The Yaql^ee DetectiVB. 



A Drama in Three Acts. 



— :BY:- 



W. E. STEDMAN. 



r>R,IOE IB OElsTTS. 



o&ioAGo; 
T. S. DENIS ON. 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED 



THE STAR DRAMA. 

Price, FIFTEEN CTS. EACH, Postpaid. 

This series includes only plays of the hig^hest order of merit. They arc the very 
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The farces are brimful of the rarest fun. 

This series is very carefully revised by an experienced editor. Each play is un- 
abridg'ed. They ^re unequaled in fullness of stage directions, typography, and 
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to the present a^^. 

Alili THAT 01<ITT£BS IS NOT OOIiI>.— A comic drama in two 

acts. Time, two hours. Six males, three females. 
CASTE. — A comedy in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. Five 

males, three females. 
EAST Ii YNBiTE.— A drama in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. 

Eig'ht males, seven females. 
FKIJITS OF TflE WHUTE CUP.— A temperance drama in three acts. 

Time fifty minutes. Six males, four females. 
HOME. — A comedy in five acts. Time, two hours. Four males, three females. 
ICI 0]¥ PARIiE FRANCAIS,— A farce. Time forty minutes.. Four 

males, three females. 
I»r THE WRON<^ HOUSE, (two T. J.'s) A farce. Time thirty minutes. 

Four males, two females. 
I'M NOT HESIIiF AT AXI<,— A farce. Time, twenty -five minutes. Three 

males, tw^o females. 
JOHN SMITH.— A farce. Time thirty-five min. Five males, three females. 
JBLISS IN THE I> ABH.,— A sketch. Time thirty minutes. Three males, two 

females. 
IiAJ> V OF liYONS.— A drama in five acts. Time, two hours and forty-five 

minutes. Twelve males, four females. 
IjAKKINS' liOTE liETTEHS.— A farce. Time, forty minutes. Four 

males, two females. ^ 

IiOUVA, THE PAUPER.— A drama in five acts. Time, one hour and 

. forty-five minutes. Nine males, four females. 
lilMERICK. BOY. (THE)- A farce. Time, forty-five minutes. Five 

males, two females. 
KY WIFE'S BEIiATIONS,— Comedietta. Time, one hour. Four males, 

six females. 
MY TUBN NEXT.— A farce. Time forty -five min. Four males, three females. 
MY NEieHBOB'S WIFE.— A farce. Time forty-five minutes. Three 

males, three females. 
NOT SUCH A FOOIi AS HE IiOOHS.— A farcical drama in three acU. 

Time, two hours. Five male.*?, four females. 
PifiBSECUTEH BUTCHMAN. (THE) -A farce. Time, fifty minutes. 

six males, three females. 
C|UIET FAMIIiY, (A)— A farce. Time, forty-five minutes. Four males, 

four females, 
BEOUIiAB FIX, (A)— A farce. Time, forty min. Six males, four females. 
BOUGH HIAMONH. (THE) (Country Cousin)— A farce. Time, forty 

minutes. Four males, three females. 
SOI^DIEB OF FOBTUNE, (A)— A comedy drama in five acts. Time, 

two hours and twenty minutes. Eight males, three females. 
SPABKIiING CUP, (THE)— A temperance play in five acts. Time, one 

hour and forty-five minutes. Twelve males, four females. 
TEN NIQHTS IN A BAB BOOM.— A temperance drama in five acts. 

Time, two hours. Twelve males, four females . 
TOOHIiES, (THE)— A drama in two acts. Time, one hour and fifteen min. 

Six males, two females. 
TUBN HIM OUT.— A farce. Time, forty-five min. Three males, two females. 
THE TWO PUDDIFOOTS.— A farce. Time, forty minutes. Three 

males, three females. 
UNDEB THE liAUBEIiS.- A drama in five acts. Time, one hour and 

forty-five minutes. Five males, four females. 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher^ Chicago. 



^iS?5 



THE 



Yankee Detective, 



A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS. 



BY 



W. ELSWORTH STEDMAN. 



SGENE— Ne-w York City and Vicinity. 



o OCT 15 i Bfee ^)^ 



^>y^>X^(^^M 



^^ WASH 



CHICAGO: 
T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

' i6j Randolph Street, 
Copyright i8S6, by T. S. Denison. 



'•^' '^^^ 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 



CHARACTERS. 

Robert Miller, the Yankee Detective, 
Capt. Dudley, Chief of Detectives. 
Chas. Southard, leader of a gang of counterfeiters. 
Splinters, a one horse lawyer. 
Snifton, Splinters' "right bower" and chum. 
Wilson, one of the gang, and a bogus detective. 
Tucker, saloon keeper, and one of the gang. 
Sam, a '* colored gemman from ole Tennessee.'' 
Granny Wizzle, housekeeper for the gang. 
Lulu Southard, abandoned wife of Chas. Southard. 
Mrs. Willoughby, widow of the late Col. Willoughby, 
Sailors, Police, Counterfeiters, Newsboys, etc. 



T't'me of flaying — T-wo liours and fifteen ?ninutes* 



COSTUMES. 



Miller. — Beginning of play, business suit. As wandering musician, 
seedy black coat ; pants old and of different color ; woolen shirt with- 
out collar; glazed cap or seedy stiff hat; coarse brogans; wig long, 
with straggling, unkempt, gray hair; gray w^hiskers. As Dutchman, 
seedy, discolored frock coat, tails rather long; pants loose and baggy; 
vest buttoned high over check shirt; cloth cap; coarse shoes; long 
wooden pipe in mouth, to be placed in pocket during conversation ; 
light hair and heavy light moustaches. 

Granny. — Soiled calico or dark stuff dress loose at waist, gray hair 
straggling from under a dirty dark cap or sunbonnet ; large spectacles ; 
bandana handkerchief. 

Ladies. — At Long Branch, handsome evening dress. Lulu, plain black 
dress and cheap hat. 

Snifton. — First act, seedy make up of a loafer; -whiskers. Last act, 
black suit. Prince Albert coat, with appearance of respectable minis- 
ter; smoothly shaven. 

Wolcott. — First act, business suit. At Long Branch, flashy evening 
dress, with diamond studs, watch seal, rings, etc. 

The Gang. — Miscellaneous make up, not too seedy but not too stylish. 
Other characters to suit situations. 

(2) 



/z 



-3?f/f 



CHARACTERS, COSTUMES, ETC. 



PROPERTIES. 



Book; tablet; card ; letters ; credentials; seal; call bell; basket; bag of 
coin; greenbacks; budget; papers; cigars in boxes; two glasses; placard; 
dice ; staff; accordeon ; fire alarm ; bottle ; lightning ; rain ; thunder ; sofa ; 
trumpet; pistol; two letters; easel, canvas and crayons; cane; tray; 
telegram; handcuffs; cards; checkers and board; pipes; rope; black 
bottle; candlestick and candle; pistols for men and police; keys; coun- 
terfeit money and dies; handcuffs; padlocks. 



BILL OF PLAY, 



Act I. — U. S. Detective Agency. Scene 2. — Tucker's saloon, resort 
of the gang. The Yankee Detective as blind musician. The fire alarm. 

Act II. — Long Branch. The wooing. Wreck of the " Twilight." 
The conspiracy. Abduction. 

Act III. — Rendezvous of the counterfeiters at the sea coast. The 
Yankee detective as a Dutch peddler. Detected. Facing death. The 
police to the rescue. Capture of Wolcott and the gang. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

i?, means right — the actor facing the audience; Z, left; C, center; /? C, 
right center; C/" -E, upper entrance, etc. 

Note. — If it is not practicable to represent the storm scene and sea the play may be 
cut so as to omit that without interrupting the course of the plot. 



1 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 



ACT I. 



Scene I. Interior of Detective Agency^ office door R and L. Desk L C, at 
which two officers are seated writing. Chief at table R, books iji case 
at back^ also Bell tele^Jione. Wilson y an oJ^eratoTy in front of table. 

Chief {to operator). If you are not laboring under a false impression, 
Mr. Wilson, I think we are on the right trail. You say you found some 
old letters which you think may throw some light on the subject. Have 
you got them with you.^* 

Wilson. Yes, sir. {Produces letters.) They were written to Brant, 
but there is no name signed, and the post-mark is so imperfect that I can- 
not make out positively when they were mailed, but the contents show 
very plainly the game Brant is playing, and I think the party at Hamp- 
ton, whom I mentioned in my report of the 25th, is one of Brant's 
confederates. 

Chief {to first officer %vriting). Mr. Sessions, please hand me the 
reports on the Brant case; and, by the way, have you heard from forty- 
three yet.-* 

Sessions. Yes, sir, forty-three reported last evening. {Goes to library^ 
backy and takes out a book^ which he ope7is at a certain page and lays before 
Chief y and returns to writing^ 

{ Telephone bell rings. Chief sounds call bell. Enter WilliaiUy the porter?^ 

Chief. William, please answer call. 

William {goes to telephonCy places tube to his ear and calls). Hello — hel- 
lo — Yes, sir — {to Chief) M. Norton & Co. wish to know if you have 
an operator at liberty immediately. 

Chief. Step to room 4 and ascertain if No. 24 has returned. 

Wm. {at telephone). Just one moment, Mr. Norton. {Going L.) 

Sessions. Captain, No. 24 is in. He made his final report on the 
Hinman case just before you arrived. 

Chief. Very well, William, tell Norton jj/^5, and ask what is wrong. 

Wm. {at telepho7ie). Hello, Norton — Yes, we have a good operator at 
your disposal. What is the matter.'^ — How long since.'' {Business of 
taking message). 

Chief {to Wilsoii). You may make arrangements, Mr. Wilson, to leave 
for Hampton on the 11 145 express to-night, and report to me before 8 
o'clock this evening. 

Wilson. Very well, sir. {Starts to leave L, and runs against SatHy 
who is fust coming in.) Who are you, man.'* 

Sam. I want to see de boss defective. Am dat you.'* You see, my 
name is Sam, ole Tennessee Sam. 

(4) 



m 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 



Wilson (pointing to Chief). There's the Captain, tell your business to 
him. (Exit L.) 

Sam. Oh, you ain't de boss! Am you de waitah? {To Chiefs snak- 
ing a low bow) Hab I de honah ob addressing de oberseer ob dis defec- 
tive business? 

Chief, What is your errand here, sir? 

Satn. I didn't done come on no er'and, boss. You see, my name is 
Sam, ole Tennessee Sam. 

Chief, Well, what is your business with me? 

Sam. Dat's jes' what I's gwine to tole ye. As I was alludin' at befoah, 
my name is Sam, ole Tennessee Sam. Yer see, boss, dat befoah de war, 
I war libin' down in ole Tennessee, and aftah de war — 

Chief. Confound the war! What do you want. Either explain your 
business, or leave at once. I am too busy to be bothered by such 
nonsense. 

Sam. Dat is jes' what I'se gwine for to do, boss. Yer see, las' night 
I traded watches wid a fellah 

W7n. (at telephone). Captain, shall I report this case? 

Chief. William, show this gentleman of color out. 

( William takes Sam by the arm and leads him out L.) 

Sam (going). But say, boss, I done got cheated in dat trade, and j 
want you to help me out. 

Wm: That is just what I am going to do, sir. 

Sam (at door). Dar ain't no honah or justice in dese defective courts, 
(Exit Sam.) 

Wm. (returns to telephone and reads message), *^ M. Norton & Co. say 
that a man giving hif name as Charles Wolcott has just passed a $ioo 
note on us, which we, since his departure, found to be spurious. Our 
cashier thinks he would recognize the man if he should see him. Send 
us a good man at once." 

Chief. Tell Mr. Norton that I will send an operator at once. 

Wfu, (at telephone). Mr. Norton — an operator will see you at your 
private office at once — yes — no, sir — that is not necessary — very well — 
good-bye (rings off). 

Chief. William, tell No. 24 to report to me here at once. (Exit 
William^ L.) (To Sessions) Mr. Sessions, please call up First National 
Bank, and ask if Mr. Scott is in. 

Sessions. Yes, sir. (Goes to telephojte and rings — calls) No. 8251 please. 
Hello — is this the First National Bank — all right — is Mr. — what — this 
is the United States Detective Agency — yes — is Mr. Scott in? 

Sessions (to Chief), Yes, sir, Mr. Scott is in. . 

Chief. Ask him to come to my private office at 2 130 this afternoon. * 

Sessions. Captain Dudley wishes to know if Mr. Scott will come to 
his private office at 2:30 this afternoon. (To Chief) Yes sir, he will be 
here before 3 o'clock. 

Chief. Ask him to bring those Montreal notes. 

Sessions. Will Mr. Scott bring those Montreal notes — Montreal notes 
— yes, bring them with you this afternoon. Good-bye (rings off and re- 
turns to desk). 



6 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

{Enter No. 24.^ the Tankee detective L.) 

Chief, Mr. Miller, we have another case of the queer. A party has 
just passed a $100 dollar note on M. Norton «& Co.; you-are to go to Mr. 
Norton's private office at once, and get all the information possible on 
the subject. We must try hard to capture the gang, and, if possible, 
capture the dies. You have been very successful in cases of this kind 
heretofore, and I hope you wrill do your best in this affair. 

Miller, If perseverance can accomplish anything, I will be successful. 

{Enter William L# ivith card^ 'which he hands to Chiefs 

Wm. A lady wishes to see you on business, Captain. 

Chief {to second officer at desk). Mr. Penrod, will you go and interview 
this lady.? William, show the lady into my private office. {Exit Williafn. 
L. Handscard to Penrody -who exits K. To Miller) Here are your creden- 
tials, Mr. Miller. {Gives card). Please report as soon as possible. 

{Closed in by street scene). 

Scene II. Street in secoftd grooves. Enter Splinters L. 

Splinters, Well, I am in a financial dilemma. — I, the once noted 
and honored descendant of my father. 1 was admitted to the bar in 
'77, and have been a devout patron of the bar ever since. Perhaps you 
will question my word if I tell 3 ou how much I was worth two years 
ago, but I can look you straight in the face and take my oath before any 
magistrate, or I would stake my life, that two years ago I was worth at 
least quite a bit; butjou see I am a great admirer of fine art, and I took 
it into this intellectual cranium two years ago to have a picture painted. 
The picture was a grand old work of art, and was as true to nature as 
anything ever produced by Rubens. But my indulgent hearers, that 
little gem of art cost me all I was worth. I will show you the little gem 
that has ruined me. I call it my little strawberry sunset. It is right 
here on the end of my proboscis. At the present time I am rusticating 
for my health. 

{Enter Snifton L.) 

Snifton, Hello, Splinters, what are you croaking about.? Didn't you 
tell me once, Splinters, that you were a lawyer.? {They shake). 

Splint. Yes, sir, I was a lawyer by birth; it was hereditary in my 
father's family. Why do you ask.? 

SniJ. Don't you want a suit to try. I know where you can get one 
and good pay. 

Splijtt. Where is it, old boy .? 
• Snij. Down at the Star Clothing House is a dandy suit which they 
overlooked while taking in their goods. You can get it, Splinters, with 
half a try. 

Splint. My dear Mr. Snifton, I am astonished at your audacity. The 
bare idea, sir, that you should imagine for a moment that I would appro- 
priate to my individual use anything to the amount of a farthing belong- 
ing to any other person, male or female. It is preposterous, sir, decidedly 
preposterous. But we will repair to the place you mention, and if the 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 7 

situation is not too hazardous, I may reconsider the question, and lift the 
goods. 

Snif. Well, yes, that is about the stuff; let's go before the merchant 
takes them in. (Exeunt R). 

{Enter Chas, Wolcott, L). 

Wol. I am not an American by birth, yet I love this great land of the 
free for several reasons, one of which is that if you have plenty of tin 
you are a gentleman, no matter what crowd you are in, and I believe 
since I left my troubles behind in England, and came here, I have been 
as lucky a dog as the sun ever shone on. But of late fate seems to be 
against me, not financially, however, for between you and me, I've raked 
in a cool $4,000 in the last two days, but that darling little widow with 
her half million stowed away, I am afraid I'm not liable to rake 
in. But you know the old adage says, "Faint heart never won 
fair lady," and that half million I need in my business, and fair or 
foul, I must and shall have it. I wonder what Lulu would say to that. 
Lulu was not a bad wife after all, but you see her religious scruples and 
my modus operaiidi didn't go well together, so I left her to her church 
while I came here for gold in exchange for green paper. 

{Enter Sa7n L with a budget; runs against Wokott.) 

Wol. Here, you imp of blackness, hadn't you better look where you 
are going? 

Sam, I beg youah pardon, sah! I beg youah pardon, sah! You see, 
boss, my name is Sam, Ole Tennessee Sam. {Lays down bu7idle.) 

Wol. Well, is that any reason why you should go gauping around, 
and run over everybody you meet ? 

Sajn. Wal, you shouldn't have such big feet youahself to spread all 
ober de walk, when a gemmen wants to pass {takes out watch). You 
see, boss, I was looking foah a fellah dat I got dat watch ob. 

WoL {aside). Here's a soft one; perhaps he carries swag; I'll tap 
him. {To Sam) Didn't get it when his back was turned, did you? 

Sam {angry). Look a heah, boss, you don't mean for to go to insindi- 
cate dat I done stole dat watch, do you .? 

Wol. Oh, no. I didn't know but you borrowed it when he was out, 
and was just looking for him to return it. 

Sam. No, sah, dem am not de facks in dis case. No, sah, de fac' am 
I done traded watches wid a fellah, and he done gib me de wrong watch, 
an* mine was a good one dat I borrowed ob ole Massa when I run'd away. 
But dis ole persimmon seed ain't worf a picayune. {Rafs it on thejioor^ 
See, dat ain't got no tick. 

Wol. {yjinhs at audience). That's not a bad looking watch. What will 
you take for it.? 

Sam, What, you want to buy dat watch ? Wal, dat ain't a bad one if 
it was fixed up a bit, and I believe to goodness gracious dat two bits worf 
ob tinkerin' would make it good as new. 

Wol. {aside.) No doubt {to Sam). Well, what will you take? 

Sam, Fifty dollars, sah. De gole in it mus' be worf more dan dat. 

Wol, But you just said it wasn't worth a picayune. 



b THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

Sam. You see, boss, gole am riz since dat ; dar want no market for 
watches den. 

Wol. I'll give you five dollars for it, and that is four dollars and 
ninety-five cents more than it's worth. 

Safn, Five dollars for a gole watch! Say, boss, what do you take me 
for. 

WoL Oh, well, you needn't do it. I don't care for it. 

Sam. Oh, dat's all right boss, I wouldn't let a few dollars spile a trade. 
Take it along wid ye. {Gives to W.) 

WoL But hold on. I have nothing smaller than a twenty. Can you 
change it.? 

Sa7n. By goodness gracious, boss, don't believe I got enough. Let 
me see. (Takes out hag oj money a7id pours it on the ground; both stoop 
dow7i and count it), 

Wol, {comits), 2 — 7 — 9 — lo — 12 — 50. Twelve fifty; is that all you 
have.^ 

{Enter Newsboy calling) 

Newsboy. "Times," "Tribune," morning papers. Full account of the 
Brooklyn fire and the counterfeit dodge. Morning papers. {To Wol)* 
Paper, sir.? 

Wol. {Excited). Yes, give me a paper. {Gives paper). 

Newsboy {to Sa7n^ who is counting mojiey). Hello, nig, where did ye get 
dat cotton in yer eye.? {Gives Sajti^s bundle a kick). Take in yer clothes, 
nig, it's goin' to rain. {Sam scrambles to get the clothes; boy grabs some 
money and rufts^ L). 

Sa?n {threatening). Here, you dirty little debel, bring back dat money, 
or I hab you 'rested, shuah. 

Enter Miller and Cashier. Cross the stage Jrmn L. to R. As they are 
nearly off\ Cashier points over his shoulder^ ''^Thafs your man?^ Miller 
takes a look at Wolcott who is readi?ig. Both exit R. 

Wol. {to Sam). Here is a $10 note; give me that five. 
Safn {mutterifig as he gives a7id takes money). If I ketch dat little debel, 
I'll break ebery bone in his body. 

{Business of pickiftg up clothes. Wolcott reading), 

"M. Norton & Co. taken in by a notorious counterfeiter. City 
flooded with spurious money. Yesterday about noon a stylish looking 
man walked into M. Norton & Co.'s retail jewelry department and 
bought a ring for $5, giving for change a $100 note. On receiving the 
change he walked quietly out, and when too late the cashier discovered 
the note to be worthless. This is the third or fourth case of this kind in 
the last week. The city detectives are doing their best to get at the bot- 
tom of this queer business, but so far their efforts are fruitless." {To audi- 
ence). You may bet your life their efforts are fruitless, and always will 
be. But I believe I'll make myself scarce for a few days till this matter 
blows over. Let me see. By Jove, I have it. The little widow and some 
of her friends are spending a few days at the seaside. I'll just take a lit- 
tle run down there, and maybe I can make a final mash on her and get 




THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 9 

that half million. By the way, I'll go over and see Tucker and put him 
on his guard. {Exit R., follovjed by Shadow). 

Sam {coming dovjn). By gracious goodness, dis yur's de worsest place 
I eber got into. Why, dey'd steal de buttons right off yuah coat if you'd 
let 'em. {Looks off right.) Now den, who am dat comin' dis way. 

{Enter ivoman R carrying a basket of white clothes.) 

Worn, Mister, can you tell me the time of day, please.? 

Sam. Lor, missus, I would be mos' preceedingly happy to do so, but 
I has done gone an' sole my watch. 

Worn. {Setting down basket close to street scene C.) Well, that is most 
unfortunate, but would you please take care of my basket while I go 
down the street just a few doors; I won't be long, and it's so heavy to 
carry. 

Satn {bowing very low). Mos' presuredly, missus; mos' presuredly I 
will. {Exit woman L). 

Sam. Sho, now, how you s'pose she knew it was safe to leab dat bas- 
ket wid me. I tell you how she kno'; it was by dis hones' open coun- 
tenance. You s'pose dar am watah million in dem basket.? {Stoops 
down and smells over basket). Dem ain't no fried chicken. Hole on, now, 
olehoss fly! Ole Tennessee Sam ain't no fellah for to go snoopin' roun' 
into Oder folkses bizness like de white trash. {Comes dow7i). Guess I 
try an' 'muse myself till de lady comes back. Seems to me it takes her a 
good while to go down de street a few doahs. {Si-ngs a song endijig with 
a break down vjhich azvakeiis the child in the basket. See note beloiv. Sam 
evinces great surf rise^. Fo' de lawd sake, dem ain't no watah million. 
{Grabs basket and runs off left^ calling) Heah, missus, come back an get 
yuah chile! 

{Street scene runs up showing) 

Scene III. Bar Room. Bar, L. U. E. Table.^ R. U. E., at which 
Splinters and Snifton are seated., throwing dice. Two loafers C, rending. 
Tucker behind tJie bar. As the curtain rises first loafer gets up and cotnes 
to the bar. 

First L. Tucker, let me have one of your best Havanas. What's 
the matter of the boys.? They don't seem to drop in this evening. 

Tuck. I don't know. Generally indisposed, I guess. I had a fair 
trade this forenoon, but the evenings are getting short, now, yo\x know, 
and this new law that compels us to close at midnight is pretty hard on 
a fellow that wants to work out an honest living. 

Snifton. {At table) Say, Splinters, if I don't beat that throw, then 
my name's not* Bill Snifton {throws) There! There's a pair of sevens. 
{Puts one back and shakes over) there, beat that if j'ou can. 

Splittters. All right, Bill, give us your corn stealer. {They shake.) 



Note.— The basket should be placed close to the scene. A person back of the 
scene can reach under the scene v/ith a piece of wire and cause the white g-oods in the 
basket to kick up as if a child ^vas under them. The person can at the same time imi- 
tate a child crying-, which will readily be taken for the child in the basket. The wire 
can be previously put in the basket, and the end slipped under the scene as she sets 
down the basket. 



^< 



lO THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

Come Snifton, let's take a drop of Tucker's forty rod bust yer head. 
(Co7ning over to bar.) Here, Tuck, give us a sniff pf some of yer best 
red-eye. 

Tuck. I told you fellows half an hour ago that you couldn't have 
another drop of anything at this bar, and I tell you now as a friend you 
had better go home and sleep off what you have already got down, for 
you can't get any more. 

Splinters. I say, Tucker, jest let us have 'bout so much {measures 
on his fingers) and we'll go 'ome. 

Tuck, Not another drop to either of you. 

Snif. Then v^^e w^on't go 'ome till morning. 

Both. {Sing.) Then We Won't Go 'Ome Till Morning, etc. 

{Enter Wolcott, L. 2 E.) 

WoL Hello, Tucker, how's business.? Why don't you clean out 
these noisy vagabonds.'^ They're a nuisance to any respectable place. 

Snif. Who are you calling noisy vagabonds, you miserable, low- 
lived spalpeen in kid gloves. f* 

Splinters, Say, Mr. Starch-box, if it were not for the demoralizing 
effect it would have on those paste diamonds you wear, I would just 
hand you one for the fun of it. 

Tuck, If you fellows don't let up I'll put you both out of doors. 
You are nothing else than drunken vagabonds, and you would do me a 
favor if you would leave and never come in here again. 

Splinters. Say no more, Mr. Tucker, say no more at this moment. 
We will take our departure, but before leaving I find it my painful duty 
to inform you that you are a fool, and like some others I might con- 
descend to mention, you don't know when you are well used. Come 
Snifton, we will go out and get some fresh air. Farewell, your Highness, 
before we return I would suggest that you cause your den to be fumi- 
gated with bromo-chloral. {They start to leave at R. and meet Miller dis- 
guised as a7i old blifid musicia^i.) Hello, old Peacock, are you playing a 
game of blind man's buff.'* 

Miller, {Coming to center^ I 'opes young man, ye may never be 
called upon to play the same game in life that I am compelled to play, 
for I tell ye young man that, although it may be fun for you, it is very 
humiliating for me. 

Splinters. {Getting a stool.) My slightly dilapidated and otherwise 
unfortunate friend, allow me to place before your Highness a pedestal on 
which we pray you will condescend to be seated, and after refreshing the 
inner man with a sweet draught of Tucker's Balm of Life, you will 
kindly oblige the worthy gentlemen here assembled by rendering a tune 
on that complicated machine of yours; after which I shall be most happy 
to descend to tlie utmost depths of my capacious pocket and select from 
the numerous gems of wealth therein contained, that which is of more 
value than all the rest {Feds in his pocket and holds up a btitto7i.) A but- 
ton ! And if you play well you shall have it, even though it be my last. 
{Comes to bar.) Mr. Tucker, g^ive the old gentleman a glass of brandy 
and rU pay for it, {Tucker fills and Splinters takes it. Comes to a stand 
behind ike old mayi) and like a guardian angel shielding the innocent 




THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. H 

child as it wanders from its mother's knee into the haunts of wickedness, 
77/ save you, old boy, from this besetting sin, by drinking it myself 
{Tucker comes behhid a7id snatches the glass. Takes Splinters by the 
collar.) 

Tuck. And ril save myself any further trouble from your impu- 
dence by kicking you out of doors. (Shoves hi?n to the door L. and kicks 
him ojit.) 

S?2if. Mr. Tucker, ain't you ashamed to kick a man when his back 
is turned ? (Exit L.) 

Tfick. Shut up, or I'll serve you the same way. (To old man.) Come 
old man, grind us out a tune. You won't pick up many coppers here, 
but I can give ye a nip of something to brace ye up if ye like. 

Miller, Ye are very kind, sir, but it's^ot so much the nip I cares 
for as a little rest, for having no home of my own, I am compelled to rest 
wherever I can get it, but I don't mind if I play a little for ye. ( While 
he plays Tucker fills a glass with brandy andhri^igs it.) 

Tuck, Here, take a little brandy and sugar and grind us out another 
tune, then ye may rest as long as ye like. Let me bring ye a little water 
to put out the fire. ( While he has gone for water., Miller' throws contents 
of glass on the floor unobserved. Tucker brings water which Miller drinks 
and returns glass.) 

Miller. That's a fine brand of liquor. (Plays and drops to sleep) 

Loafer, M. Norton & Co. rather got it on to them yesterday, didn't 
they. Tucker ? 

Tuck, Why how's that.? 

Loafer, Here is what the evening paper says of it. (Reads.) 
*' Another bold stroke of shoving the queer was practiced on M. Norton 
& Co., between ten and eleven o'clock yesterday by a dashing middle- 
aged man who passed a one hundred dollar bill on them, which the 
cashier discovered, when too late, to be a finely executed counterfeit. 
This is the fourth circumstance of this kind during the week, and it is a 
pity that among all the city forces something cannot be done to capture 
this gang of counterfeiters." 

Wol, I'll tell you why they don't capture them. There isn't among 
the best detectives of this city a man who is sharp enough to catch a 
weasel asleep. 

Tuck. Well, that's about the size of it. 

Loafer, (Comes tip to bar) Give me a cigar, Tucker. (Lights and 
exit L.) 

Wol. (Looks at old man) I wonder if that old codger is asleep.'^ 
(Shakes Miller) Yes, let him snooze. I suppose it's a rarity for the old 
rackabones to find a dry place to take a nap. I've been waiting for half 
an hour to get a chance to talk with you. It's getting too hot here and 
I've concluded to get out for a few days until the breeze is over. That 
rub at Norton's was a close call. I don't believe I was more than three 
blocks away when they discovered the flimsy, and that blasted cashier 
might know me yet, if we should chance to meet. 

Tiick. Then it was you who shoved the note on M. Norton & Co. I 
was wondering which one of the boys it could be. 

Wol. But here is the richest thing of all. You remember Bob Wil- 
son, our engraver— the one that made the five thousand so slick on the 






12 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

theatre panic? Well, do you know he's wormed his way into Capt. 
Dudley's Detective Agency, and has spotted nearly every man on the 
force, and I understand that Norton has engaged a man from that agency 
to work on this case. So Bob will have a chance to work a double part, 
and I'll bet he'll succeed. 

Tzick, Deuced lucky for us that Bob is one of our gang. I only wish 
we had more just like him. 

WoL By the way, Tucker, I'll write my address for you, and don't 
forget to keep me posted if anything turns up, and you had better lay 
low and not try to pass any of the flimsy for awhile, or at least till you 
hear from me. 

Tuck, (taking- down placard at back). Here, write your address on the 
back of this. It will be handier for me to find. {As he -writes^ the distant 
fire-alarin strikes 3-2-^, Tucker listens.) 

Tuck, {replaces card at back). Say, Wolcott, didn't that fire alarm strike 
3-2-5.? That's in this block. By Jove, I couldn't afford to have a lot of 
blundering firemen prowling around this building now. {They both exit 
le^t. Miller slips off his shoes and goes quickly to card., copies the address 
on a tablety and returns^ during vjhich Wolcott and Tucker are talking 
outside^ 

Tuck. I guess it's all right ; it's a hot one, but won't reach here. Won't 
you come in again .'^ 

Wol, Not now. I want to get off on that night express. 

{Enter Tucker just as Miller reaches his seat,) 

Tuck. Here, here, old man, what have you got your shoes off for? 

Miller, Well, ye see my good man, me feet gets aweary, and it's rest- 
ing them when I remove the brogans. 

Tuck, Well, you can't stay here all night, and as it's getting late, you 
had better put them on and be jogging. I want to shut up. 

Miller, Well, I will be movin'. {To audience^ This is a very hard 
world to live in, and very few poor old men like me ever get out alive. 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

ACT II. 

Scene I. Piazza at Long Branch., showing a view of sea at back^ vessels 
and sail boats moving^ etc. Sofa R. and archway., with curtaiyis., Wolcott 
and Mrs, Willoughby enter as the curtain rises. They seat themselves on a 
sofa^ R. Enter Sa?n L. 

Safn, Ladies an' gemmen, de 'scursion steamer "Twilight" leaves 
Grand Pier at 7 130 sharp. {Exit L. Guests file through^ talking.) 

Wol, Mrs. Willoughby, is it really necessary we should go for this 
sail.'* I would much prefer to stop here and have a little chat all by our- 
selves. 

Mrs. W, Well, really, now, Mr. Phelps, nothing would suit me bet- 
ter, for, to tell the truth, these boat-rides are getting so frequent that to 
me, at least, they are becoming monotonous; and do you know that, 
although I have been here only two weeks, I am just dying to get back 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 



13 



home, for I really do believe that at times there is more noise and tumult 
here than at New York. 

Wol, Mrs. Willoughby, are you quite sure there is not some other 
magnet than home that is drawing you back to New York.-* In fancy, I 
see — . 

Mrs. W. (liastily). Oh, Mr. Phelps, you men are always fancying 
something. Do you suppose if there was a magnet, as you term it, back 
in New York, I would have allowed you to make love to me for the last 
week.? Please, Mr. Phelps, don't try to make out that I'm given to 
flirting. 

Wd. Mrs. Willoughby, Edith, IVe something I wish to tell you — 
something that I can keep secret no longer — and can't you guess what, 
above all things, I would like to know.'* It is this, Edith — 

{Enter Sam quickly L. U. E., shiging ^popular melody. Comes down,) 

Wol, Confound that impudent nigger ! Mrs. Willoughby, suppose we 
take a stroll down on the beach and see the excursionists off. ( Goiitg.) 
If it were in my power I'd have every Ethiopian exterminated from the 
face of the earth. {Both exit, L. U. E). 

Satn {cojttes down C). Jes' so, Mr. Phelps, jes' so. When you get de 
power, dat'll be time enough to brag. 

{Enter L. U. E. Miller disguised as an artist.) 

Sam, I beg you' pardon, sah. Did I disturb your equilibrium.? 

Miller, Are you the porter here .? 

Sam. Yes, sah, I am sah. {Making a low bow.) What can I hab de 
pleasure ob doing fo' you, sah ? 

Miller, Go down to the hall and bring up my traps. 

Sam {going.) Yes, sah. Do you expec' to ketch any game in dem 
traps roun' heah.? 

Miller, What a blockhead you are! It's my easel and canvas. I 
want to make a sketch. 

Sam, Oh, am dat it.? {at door L. U. E.) Say, can you make a profile 
of dis pusson.? 

Miller {raising 7iis cane.) Yes, and I'll draw the outlines with this cane, 
if you don't go and get my things. 

Sam, I'se gwine, sah. {Exit L. U. E.) 

Miller {coming dow7i). If Job had as many of those things around 
him as he had boils, he wouldn't have crowed so much about his grit, Pm 
thinking. I think my man is here. {Takes out note book a7id busies 
himself with inemoranda till Saul's return,) 

{Enter L. U. E., Sain with easel and ca?ivas.) 

Sam, Har dey are, boss. Now say, won't you go for to make a 
picture of me.? I done got no money, but I'se chuck full ob day's work. 
Say, I'll sing fo' ye. 

Miller. All right. You sing me a song and I'll paint a correct like- 
ness of you. {Seats himself before easel J acing.) There, go ahead with 
your song. {Sam sings, after which Miller tur^is easel around to audience 



14 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

and shows a long- eared donkey, Sam goes off stage ^ L. U. E., very mdig- 
na7it.) 

Miller, There now, I expect I've incurred the everlasting wrath of that 
fellow; but there is no great loss without some small gain. I shall not be 
bothered with him any more. Now for my sketch. I've shadowed that 
villain, Wolcott alias Phelps, for the last week, and, although I've seen 
him in all kinds of deviltry, it seems to be an impossibility to find out 
where that money is made. {Steamer 'whistles or bell rings.) There goes 
the excursion steamer. What a fine time they'll have! I had great 
anticipation of a ride on the "Twilight" to-day, but am disappointed since 
Prof. Wolcott didn't go. I add professor to his name because he is a 
professional pickpocket, a professional gambler, and professes to be a 
devoted lover of the little widow. When she learns that his diamonds 
are paste, his money is spurious, and the only valuable thing about him 
a pair of borrowed bracelets, her love will fail. {Distant singing. Steamer 
crosses in dista?ice at back. Miller finishes his sketch and the steamer goes out 
of sight, Wolcott and Mrs. Willoughby are heard talking outside.) 

Wol, My dear Mrs. Willoughby, what I have told you is the truth. 
I hope you will consider the matter, and consent to be my wife, and 
when once in my Southern home, surrounded by all the luxuries the 
heart can wish for, you will not regret your decision. 

Miller {at the same time Wolcott is talking outside). Hello! Here 
comes the Professor and his little widow. I believe he's trying to make 
a final mash. {Gets up.) I'll just step behind the drapery, for it isn't 
pleasant to have spectators around when one is about to pop. {Eooit R 
U7id(r archway .) 

Mrs. Will, Pardon me, Mr. Phelps, if I may seem ungrateful to your 
offer, but you must remember we have been acquainted only a few short 
months; and, while I admit the acquaintance has been mutually agree- 
able, and I have admired you very much, yet I feel that our knowledge 
of each other is not such as would warrant a union without further 
investigation. 

{Both enter L. ; he leads her to a seat on the sofa,) 

Wol, {as they enter), Edith, I don't know what you mean by investi- 
gation. I have never tried to appear anything but what I really am — a 
gentleman, I hope; but, Edith, since we met, although, as you say, it has 
been but a few short months, I have learned to love you with that 
love which tells me that without you life would be a barren waste. I 
know nothing of your history, or your ancestors, nor do I care. It is 
enough to know that you are my heart's dearest treasure, and I feel that 
without you life would be a burden, and I had fondly hoped, Edith, that 
in the near future — 

Sam {sings outside). Dem golden slippers I am gwine to lay away, 
'kase I hain't gwine to wear dem till my weddin' day. 

{Enter Sain L, with letters on a tray?) 

Sain. Heah's a lettah for Mrs. Will'by, an' heah's one for Massa 
Phelps. 

( Wolcott takes both^ and gives one to Mrs. Willoughby, Exit Sam L. 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 



15 



Both ope7i their letters and read to theinselves. After a pause Mrs. Wil- 
loughby screams) Merciful Heavens! {and Wolcott^ ^vliois standing^ drops 
his letter 171 surprise and rushes to her side. She waves hitn off.) 

Wol. Why, my darling, what is the matter? 

Mrs. Will. Don't come near me! You are a villain! Don't dare to 
speak to me again ! 

Wol. I must and shall know what all this is about. If it concerns 
me I have a right to defend myself. ( Wolcott sjiatches letter and reads.) 

** Mrs. Willoughby : — You are treading on dangerous ground. . Be- 
ware of the man who is trying to win your heart. He is worse than a 
villain, and would marry you for your money only. Beware ere it is too 
late." {Crushing the letter in his hand). Who has dared to do this.'* 

Mrs. 'Will, {sternly — rising). Sir, I demand that letter this instant. 

Wol. {tears the letter in pieces and throws it at her feet). You shall have 
it, but, by the heaven above us, the contents of that letter are as false as 
the heart of the one who wrote them. {Afrs. Willoughby starts to leave., 
but Wolcott grasps her ivrist and brings her back). You shall not leave 
me thus. Listen to me. 

Mrs. Will. Release me, sir, this moment ! {He lets go). 

Wol. Mrs. Willoughby, that infernal letter is but the work of some 
cowardly enemy, who, for some unknown reason, seeks to ruin me. 
(Places his hand to his head i^t sham agony). Who — who in all this wide 
world could be guilty of such perfidy.^ 

{Enter Ltdu Southard quickly from L. C. Points her finger^ 

Lulu. It w^as I who wrote that letter ! 

Mrs. Will. You! 
Wol. Lulu! 

Lulu. I, Charles Southard, your wife — and you dare not deny it! 

Mrs. Will. {pointi7ig at him sternly). Now, sir, I know you are a vil- 
lain of the deepest fXy^, One hour ago I thought I loved you ; now I 
know I despise you as the bitterest enemy of my life. [To Lulu) My 
dear woman, whoever you are, I shall owe you a life of devotion for 
your timely warning, and saving me from the snares of that {points to 
Wolcott) worse than traitor. {Exit L. U. E).) 

Wol. {-who has stood motionless). So, woman, you have dared to dog 
my tracks again } 

Lulu. I have dared, Charles, and will ^o down to my grave 
daring to follow you till you give me back my freedom, and re- 
move the stain on my name from befor*^ the eyes of the world. Take 
away the curse which you brought upon me! Give me our marriage 
certificate, which you carry in your bosom, and I will trouble j^ou no 
more. Give it me, that I may show it to my father and revoke the curse 
which he pronounced upon me as he drove me from his door, supposing 
I had brought a stain on the name of our family. {Pause; he is still silent. 
She holds out both hafids., pleadi7ig,) Oh, Charles, if you only knew how 
I have suffered during these five long years; how I have toiled; how I 
have followed you from place to place, with a faint hope that you would 
relent and undo this terrible wrong that is tearing my heart asunder! 
{Kneeling^ O, Charles, in memory of your sainted mother, who was a 
woman like my self, if you have one hope of forgiveness in the great here- 



--.-^' 



16 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

after, think, think! Remember I am an outcast, without home or 
friends! If you have one spark of humanity about you, give me back 
my good name, that I may again find a shelter beneath my father's roof. 

IVoL Curse you, woman! Fiend incarnate! You, you have been the 
bane of my life, and a thorn in my path; and now, just as I am on the 
eve of prosperity, you have dared to appear to torment me, and foil my 
plans! Give you that marriage certificate? Bah! Never! It's the 
only evidence on earth of that miserable affair. Shall I give it up? No, 
— a thousand times no! 

Lulu. Charles, you are too cruel. {Covers her face and sobs). 

Wol. (drawttig' a knife). Curse you, woman! I've a notion to end 
your miserable existence, and cast your body into yonder waves, to be 
food for hungry fishes! 

Lulu {looking up at him). Do it, Charles, life to me is a burden, and 
with my last breath I will bless you for the deed. Strike, if you will! 

Wol. {raising knife). I'll do it, if I hang for it, and as you go down to 
eternity re7ne7nber there was one man you could not rule! 

( Wolcott is tvith his back to R, 7iear arch. Miller comes quickly in from 
archway behind Wolcott^ and^ reachiftg over his shoulder^ points revolver in 
Wolcotfs fare. Wolcott straightens up^ drops his hand to his side^ and re- 
7nains 7notio7iless. Lulu swoons.) 

Miller. Drop it! {Wolcott drops knife. Miller takes Wolcott by ear?) 
Forward! March! {Co7}ies to L. 3 E.) Halt! Now, when I give the 
word I want you to travel lively straight ahead, and keep on going. It 
may not be healthy to look back, either. Now, go. {Exit Wolcott. 
Miller keeps a bead draw7i i7i that directio7i for several seco7ids^ then turns 
to Lulu^ TV ho sits up.) 

Miller. Madam, can I be of any service to you? Shall I call assist- 
ance? {Assists her to rise.) 

Lulu. No, sir, thank you. I will be stronger soon. {Miller leads her 
to sofa.) Oh, sir, why did you save my life, when it is so full of misery? 

Miller. What is that man to you? 

Lulu. He was my husband. {Looks uf at Miller?) 

Miller {starting). And you are — merciful heavens! I can't be mis- 
taken — you are Lulu Miller? 

Lulu {spri7iging to her feet^ frightened). That was my name, sir, but 
who are you? 

Miller. {Thro'wi7ig off disguise^ Look at me, Lulu, I am your 
brother Robert. 

Lulu. {Springs forward?} My brother! {Buries her face on his 
shoulder and sobs?) {Enter Sa7n^ L. U. E. Stops short i7i surprise?^ 

Sa7n. Fo' de Lawd sake, if dat fellah ain't made a mash too! Dis 
beats all de places I eber saw fo* mashes. 1 takes sour mash in mine. 
Guess I'll go down an' mash de cook. {Exit L. U. E.) 

Miller. Lulu, you don't know how inexpressibly nappy I am to 
find you. 1 have tried and tried in vain, to learn your whereabouts. 
Why, do you know, dear, that father repented his rash act before you had 
been away an hour, and he searched the city over and over to find you, 
but all in -vain. Come, cheer up now. Lulu; be a brave little woman, 
and tell me all your troubles. 

Lulu. {Wipi7ig her eyes and looki7ig up?) Oh, brother Robert, I can 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. I7 

scarcely believe my OAvn eyes. Is it really you, or is it only a dream, 
from which I shall awaken, as in days gone by, and find that I am still 
alone in my sorrow? 

Miller. Far from being a dream , Lulu. I am here to stand by you 
and to avenge your wrongs. Come, Lulu, sit down and tell me where 
you have been these long years, and why we have not heard from you. 
\Leads her to sofa and sits by her.) 

Lulu. Robert, language cannot explain the torture I have endured, 
since that day when our father turned against me. 

Miller, By the way. Lulu, you remember I was away when you 
came home that time, and I never learned the real cause of father's ac- 
tions. He was so wild with remorse that we feared at one time he would 
lose his reason and we did all we could to draw his mind from the sub- 
ject. 

Lulu. It is a long, sad story, and I cannot bear to rehearse it again, 
but I will tell you a part, and the rest when I am stronger. You know 
father was very much opposed to my marriage; but, Robert, I loved 
Charles Southard as my own life, and, like a foolish school-girl that I 
was, I thought I was in the right, and poor, dear papa all wrong. But, 
Robert, I have repented and regretted that rash act in a way that words 
cannot express. You remember I was married away from home and 
without papa's knowledge or consent, and we started immediately for 
New York, and just one month from that day I learned, to my sorrow, 
that the man I loved above all else on earth — the man I had married — 
was a notorious gambler and counterfeiter. I pleaded with him and 
begged him to relinquish his evil ways. This only angered him, and he 
threatened to abandon me if I did not indorse and assist him in his terri- 
ble undertakings. That, of course, I sternly refused to do, and from 
that day he was never the same man. Afterward he left me. I shall 
never forget the morning that I found myself alone. He had taken my 
watch, jewelry and money, and, more than all, our marriage certificate, 
the only evidence on earth of our marriage. Then, Robert, my heart 
sank within me, for I knew not w^hich way to turn. 

Miller. The heartless scoundrel. 

Lulu. I borrowed money of a lady friend who boarded at the same 
house and leaving my wardrobe as security, went home. Oh, Robert, 
how my heart throbbed with joy as I came in sight of the old homestead 
but alas! how soon was I to retrace my steps? In the hall I met papa. 
I sprang forward to greet him with a kiss, and judge of my surprise and 
agony, Robert, when — when he pushed me from him and handed me 
this letter, then, pointing to the door, sternly commanded me to leave 
the house and never dare set my foot on his threshold again. {Ha7ids 
letter to M.) That cruel, cruel letter was written by my husband. You 
can read it for yourself.. {Miller reads.) 

"To the Hon. Chas. Miller. Sir: — In reply to yours received 
some time since, concerning the welfare of your daughter and censuring 
me for marrying her without your consent, I beg leave to say I never did 
marry your daughter; never intended to and never shall. She is only my 
housekeeper, under my roof of her own free will and accord, and free to 
return to you as soon as she pleases. So you have made a great mis- 
take and spent your fury on one who does not heed it in the least, and 



iS THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

cares not whether your opinion of him be good or bad. As I am aboiU 
leaving for England, you will no doubt see ihe young adventuress soon. 

"Yours Very Truly, • 

Chas. Southard." 

Miller. {Sfring'mg to his jeet^ Was anything ever more infamous? 

Luhi. Since that, I have suffered everything in trying to clear my 
name from the terrible stain which that letter has left upon it. I have 
followed him from place to place with a faint hope of getting my mar- 
riage certificate, which he carries with him, but all to no avail. 

Miller. Say no more, Lulu. You shall have the proof of your mar- 
riage. But you are tired and weak now. I will take j^ou to a place of 
safety, where you can rest till you are able to go home; and be assured, 
Liulu, I will never rest, night or day, till Charles Southard has made 
right this terrible wrong. Come. 

Lulu. But brother, he is a dangerous man, and I feel for your safety 
should he get the advantage of you. 

Miller. Never fear lor me Lulu ; I know him well and have shadowed 
hiin for the last week. 

Lulu, I don't understand you, Robert. 

Miller. Then you must know I am in the employ of the United States 
Secret Service, and about a week ago we spotted him as a counterfeiter, 
and I was sent out on his trail. {Picks up letter.) Hello! What have we 
here.'* {Opens and reads^ 

*'Friend Phelps — The clan, deeming it as unsafe where they are, 
have fitted up the old abandoned laborers' barracks over at Round 
Point. They wish me to notify you that the boys will all be present 
on Tuesday week, next. Important business to transact. Be present 
if possible. The same old crone keeps the place. The signal is slightly 
changed, being four raps and a low whistle. Don't fail to come. 

*'P. S. — The Norton business is blowed over and forgotten; at least 
we hear nothing more of it. Drop me a line if you can come. , 

Tucker." 

Miller, Well, now, that adds another link to m.y chain of evidence. 
What do you think of that, Lulu? 

Lulu. I am not surprised at the contents of that letter, for it 
is in keeping with his other deeds of darkness; but, Robert, I am sur- 
prised at the role 3'ou are playing. 

Miller. Let us go, sister. I will put this letter where I found it, for 
he may return and search for it, and it is necessary he should 
have it. {Both exit., L. U. E. Sloxv music. After a pause enter WoU 
cott^ jroin L. i E. , looks around, cautiously., takes a step iti and listens.) 

Wol. The coast is clear. {Comes quickly to R. and picks up letter^ 
Eureka! Had they found that letter my last hope would have been 
gone; but for once fortune has favored me, and I will take good care 
that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. Pd give the world to 
know who it was that so unceremoniously stepped in my path. Fool ! 
Let him take his life in his hands if he chooses. Charles Southard is 
not the man to be trifled v/ith ! And that little widow — oh, the precious 
little minx — does she think I will calmly submit to lose my prize so 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. I9 

easily? Never! V\\ have revenge on all of them or die in the at- 
tempt. {Opens letter:) Let me see ; Tucker said the new rendezvous 
was over on Round Point. There my word is law. I have it, by Jove! 
(Slaps his thigh and laughs a harsh and ugly laughs) I'll kidnap the 
little beauty, and when once within the walls of the old barracks she 
shall become my wife or pay a good price for her liberty. 

(Enter Snifion a7id Splinters at bach. Snifton''s right coat sleeve is empty :) 

WoL Then she shall learn that I am not the man to pocket an in- 
sult without resenting it. {Splinters comes np behind and touches Wol- 
cott on the shoulder. He starts in great surprise^ and quickly levels two 
pistols at them. Both are much frightened^ and shake with terror a7id 
hold up their hands). 

Splint, Oh, sir, for mercy sake, don't shoot, I beg of you. I meant 
no harm, I assure you sir. I didn't upon my word. 

Wol. inputting up pistols), I beg your pardon. I took you for other par- 
ties. I am sorry I scared you, but it's all right, I assure you. {Recognizes 
Spli7iters.) Why, bless me, ain't your name Splinters.? Ain't you from 
New York } 

Splint. Yes, sir, I have the honor of being John Horatio Splinters, 
LL.D., New York. 

Wol, My name is Wolcott, of New York. 

Splint. And, Mr. Wolcott, I have the honor of presenting to you 
Josephus K. Snifton {wi^iks to W.) who is traveling with me for the pur- 
pose of restoring his health. 

Wol, Oh, I see! Happy to know you, Mr. Snifton. By the way, 
Splinters, what ^re you doing to turn an honest penny now? 

Splint. Well, in fact, Wolcott, I haven't turned any kind of penny 
lately. Hard luck again. Savvy.'* 

Wol, You said you w^ere a lawyer. If you were only a minister now 
I think I could use you to good advantage. 

Splint, My dear sir, there is only this difference between the two: 

A minister would send you above, you know, 
While by lawyer's advice you'd brfng up below. 

And, my dear sir, although I am not acquainted with the exigencies 
of the case, I feel that I am abundantly able to fill any engagement in the 
clerical line which the emergency of the case may demand, provided that 
1 am satisfied that I will receive proper remuneration for my services. 

Wol. I see the point, Mr. Splinters, and although you look like an hon- 
est man, yet I am afraid to employ you, for 1 would be obliged to trust you 
with a secret which, if once divulged, would work my everlasting ruin. 
Are you sure, Mr. Splinters, I can trust you? And your friend here, can 
you vouch for him? 

Splint, {striking an attitude). Mr. Wolcott, by all that's in the sky 
above, or in the earth below, we'll serve you well and never tell! We 
swear it. {Snifton and Splinters clasp hands.) Don't we, Joe? 

Wol, I notice your friend has but one arm, and the work I have in 
view would require two strong arms and an iron nerve. 

Splint. You see my friend Snifton was an old veteran, and in order 
to command the respect due to an old soldier, it was necessary they 



20 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

should know that he laid down his good right arm fighting for the glori- 
ous cause of liberty; but as this is a case of emergency, we will have to 
set aside our usual modus o;perandi^ and fall back on the old arm. {S^iif- 
ton puts on coat sleeve^ Is there any farther objection, Mr. Wolcott.? 

Wol. Well I think I can trust you, but it won't do to stand here too 
long. Let's stroll down the beach, and I'll tell you what I propose to 
do. You go on and I'll meet you at the west ravine. 

Splint. All right, we will be there. Come, Sniflon. (Both exit 
L. I E). 

WoL {going). I've made a lucky hit, and if they prove as good as I 
judge them to be, the little widow of the late William Willoughby will be 
in my power before she is a week older, and Lulu Miller, beware how 
you cross my path again ! {Exit L. i E. Miller comes onatl^, quickly^ 
and shading his eyes with his hand^ looks after Wolcott,) 

TABLEAU. QUICK CURTAIN. 

Scene II. Same as last scene^ only dark stage. Lightning.^ rain and 
thunder. Red light seen in the distance; porch at back covered with sailors 
frofjt life-savi7ig station. Each carries a lantern which shoidd be the ojily 
light on the stage; lights seen hi distance at back in the excursion steajner 
retur7iing in the storm. Sea cloths doiV7i and -working. Mrs. Willoughby 
a7id Mrs. Lidu seated on sofa at R. in earnest conversation; sailors on 
^orch vjatching steamer and givifig orders. Guns heard 07i steamer.) 

First Sailor {at back^ speaking through trujnpet). Can you port your 
helm.? {After a pause). Can you port your helm and receive line? 
( Very distatit voices.) Aye, aye, sir ! 

First Sailor {to men). Away, tars, and set your mortar lines ready 
for signal. 

Sailors. Aye, aye, sir. {Sailors 7nove off right). 

First Sailor {through tru7npet). Aye, mates, signal for line from top- 
sail ! {Lulu and Mrs. TV. rise a7id look off back). 

Mrs. W. Isn't this a fearful night! How I pity those poor people 
on the steamer {to sailor at back). Do you fear any danger for the 
steamer.'^ 

First Sailor. No danger unless her engines give out. {Calls to men). 
Tars, watch close for line signal, {voice R.) Aye, aye, sir. 

Mrs. W. {to Lidu). When do you go to New York.? 

Lulu. Robert said I should go in the morning. Can't you arrange to 
go by the same train ? 

Mrs. TV. My dearest friend I would be only too happy to do so, but I 
don't believe I can go so soon; you may rest assured I shall call and 
see you as soon as I am in New York, for you are my dearest friend, 
and I feel that I can never repay you for the great kindness of 
warning me of my danger. {Sailors at this ti7ne all leave at L. U. E). 

{Enter Spli7iters^ L. i E., with a 7)iock tele grain. He has 07i a rubber coat.) 

Splint. Ladies, can you inform me where I may find Mrs. Edith 
Willoughby ? 

Mrs. W. That is my name, sir. Did you wish to see me? 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 21 

Splint {giving telegram). I have a telegram for you. (Mrs, W. tears 
it open and reads.) 

"New York, 9:15 p. M. • 

** Edith — Come by first train. Edward very sick. Don't fail. 

Frank." {To Lulu.) 

Mrs. W. Mercy on me, what can I do ? My brother is sick and I not 
there ! 

Sj>li7it. There is plenty of time to catch the night express if you like, 
and as I came over in a cab I can wait till you are ready, and you can 
ride to the depot with me if you care to do so. 

Mrs. W, You are very kind, sir, and I have half a mind to accept 
your offer if it won't discommode you too much. 

Splint. Not in the least, madam. Take your time to get ready, and 
I will wait. 

Mrs. W. {To Lulu ^ Will you assist me in getting ready , I am so 
nervous. I wish to know the full particulars. 

Lulu, Certainly. I shall be only too glad to assist you, and if brother 
Robert were here I would accompany you. {Both exit L.) 

Splint^ {Coming down.) She takes the bait nicely. Ah, but that 
Wolcott is a clever dog, and just the chap for a gentleman like me to fall 
in with, especially when my store of worldly goods is running low, and 
filthy lucre fails. 

{Enter Wolcott J rom R. i E. Steps cautiously to side of Splint.) 

Wol. Well, what's the outlook .? Have you seen her } 
Splint. Yes, sir. I am most happy to inform you that I delivered 
the message in person. She swallowed the hook and is donning her 
traveling attire. {Wol.exit R. i E.) I am waiting with all the bravery 
of a knight of ye olden time for the damsel to reappear, when I will es- 
cort her to the carriage, open the door, assist her to enter, close the door. 
Crack goes the whip, off go the steeds, and I leave the rest to your dis- 
cretion. {Looks around and finds W. g07ie.) Well, I call that the height 
of impertinence. 

{Enter Mrs. W. L. U.rE. zvith cloak on^but no bonnet^ 

Mrs. W. I came to tell you that I have changed my mind and will 
wait for the early morning train. It won't make but a few hours' difier- 
ence, and my friend will accompany me. I am^orry to detain you so 
long for nothing when you were so obliging, May I ask you to leave 
orders for a hack from the depot for the early train ? 

Splint. Most assuredly, madam, I will call this hackman, and you 
can give him your orders. {Calls.) Oh, Joe, come here. {Enter Snif- 
ton R. I E.) 

Splint. The lady wishes you to call and take her to the depot for the 
early morning train. ( Wolcott comes in unobserved by Mrs. W. and stands 
at her back. Takes out large handkerchief.) 

Mrs. W, Can I depend on you for the morning train without fail.'* 
{She discovers Wol. at her back and screams. Splint, and Snifton hold her 
liands -while Wol. binds cloth over mouth.) 



22 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 



JVol. There, my pretty one, who is master of the situation now? 
(A/r5. JV. faints^ but is held up by men. Enter Satn L. U. E. hastily.) 

Sapn. I tOMght I done hearn some one scream in heah. (Wol. draws 
pistol a7td foi7its at Sani ivho stands petrified, with horror till curtaifi.) 

Wol. Move on, boys , quick. We've not a moment to spare. 



QUICK CURTAIN. 



ACT III, 



Scene I. — Interior of laborers^ barracks at a wild sj>ot on the coast; 
Rough and tmcouth; heavy door at back C.y heavy grated door R. C./ 
roughs cross-legged table C./ candle on table: gang of counterfeiters loaf- 
ing around; trap door i?t floor L. C. As the curtain rises they all sing 
Naiicy Lee; after song ^ -first 7nan^ who is sitting on table smokijig clay 
f>ipe^ to second who stands at R. leanifig against wall with arms folded 
smoking^ 

First Man. I say, Jim, how much of the queer did you shove this 
week.? Did you get rid of that batch of twenties? 

No. 2, Bet yer life I did. And would have skipped a one hundred if 
one of them blasted spotters hadn't piped me off. But say, Joe, I've got 
just the dandiest lay-off for next week. 

No. J. {Sitting on a nail keg ^ If you don't lay lower than you did in 
that deal on Lexington avenue, last Wednesday, you'll get a lay-off for 
about ten years, I'm thinking. 

First Man. {Laughing^ Say, Jim, that was a close rub you got down 
there, w^asn't it? How in blazes you dodged that cop is more than I can 
figger out. 

No, 2, They say it's better to be born lucky than rich, and that's about 
what I thought that night. 

First Alan. Who knows whether Bob Wilson has been in this even- 
ing? Have any of you chaps seen him ? 

No, 3. Don't believe he has come yet. {Calls off L.) Granny Wiz- 
zle — oh, Granny. 

{Enter Granny Wizzle L. U. E.) 

Granny. Who is that bawling? 

No. J. Has Bob Wilson been here to-night? 

Granny. Land sakq^ alive, how'd I know if he's ben here? It's none 
o' my business whether he comes or stays away. 

No.^. Well, you know whether he was here to hash, don't ye ? 

Granny. No. He wasn't here to hash, don't ye. 

No,^. Well, why don't you say so without bein' so touchy ? 

Granny. Drat your impudence! What are youpesterin' me for, you 
lazy good for nothing? {Exit Graiiny spitefully L. U. E.) 

First Ma)i. I tell you, gentlemen, Bob has got a full hand to play, if 
he steers clear of the nailors. 

No. 2. {To No. 4^ sitting at back.) Come, Todd, let's try a game of 
checkers. I suppose you sigh for revenge, don't ye? 

No. 4, Well, I don't mind a game or two. 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 



23 



No. 2 crosses to L. side^ and returns 'with checker board and box of men, 
Nos, 2 ayid 4 sit L. C. and play checkers. 

No. 3. {Getting up a?id sittiyig at the table^ to No. i) Come, Tom, 
square jerself around here, and let's have a game of old sledge. 

First Man. {Getting off table and sitting opposite No. 3. (All right. 
Come, you fellows, wake up and take a hand here. 

Nos. J and 6 at back take seats at table. No. 3 produces a pack of cards 
aiidconnnences shufflijig tliein. 

No. 2. {At checkers looking at first jnan.) Tom, have you heard from 
Wolcott lately.? 

First Alan. I got a letter from him last night. He said he would be 
here to-night, and what do you think, he's to be married again. 

No. 2. What! Another money speculation, aint it.? 

No. J. Do you suppose he'd give us an invite to put on our toggery 
and dance at his weddin' .? 

No. 2. Well, if he don't, I hope he'll never have the good luck to 
marry again. 

{Miller is heard "without singing in Dutch dialect. The me7i all listen^ 

First Ma7i. Well, now, what old sauer kraut packer is that.? 

{Enter Granny from L. U. E. -with lighted candle^ 

Granny. Why don't some o' ye go on the outside and see what that 
thing is prowlin* around here for. It bodes no good, I can tell ye that. 

No. 2. Open the door. Granny, and see who it is. 
{Gra7iny opens the door at back and holds the caiidle over her head.) 

{Knter Miller disguised as a Dutchman?^ 

Granny, What do you want here? 

Miller. Vat do I vant here. I vant to come in und see de beeples. T 
spose you vas got no opchections. {Comes and looks over table.) Ve gates, 
poys, how you all vas dis evenin'.? 

First Man, Well, Dutchy, what do you want here? Do your errand 
and skip. 

Miller, I vant to contract some sausages. I got some bully goot und 
I contract dem so sheap as never vas. 

No. 2. Where is your sausage, Dutchy. 

Mzller. Oh, dot vas py mine shop. You see, my goot frients, I vas 
first take some orders for dat sausages, und den I writes to mine broter 
und he send him along righd avay. 

Granny, {Goes offX^.grunibliiig^ That fellow is an old fool. 

Miller, {Laughing^ She dinks I vas an old fool, don't it? 

First Man. Look here, Dutchy, I believe you are an old fraud. You 
don't know any more about sausage than a pig knows about a euchre 
deck, and you had better be moving on. 

Miller. Oh, ish dot so? You dink better of I git out. 

First Man, {Drawi7tg a pistol and pointi7tg at Miller.) Yes, and the 
quicker the better. Now pint. 

Miller {exai7iini7ig the pistol closely). Ish it loated.? Let me look at it. 
{Men all laugh heartily. First 77ian puts up pistol. No. 2 rolling up 
sleeves.) Let me get a clip at him. I'll set him moving. 



24 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

Miller {joints his pipe at Imn). Look here, mine frient, of you make 
foolishness mit me, I will plow your prains oud mid dot pipe, so help me 
gracious. {Ojie of the ineii tries to feel in Miller'' s pocket frmn behiftd). 
Here, vat you vas apout. Better of you keep oud of mine pocket. (To 
meti). By chiminy, of you don't shtop dot foolishness somepody got 
hurt now puty quick. Vy I vas eat more Injuns und vild biffeloash vash 
in this room. {Me7i all laugh^ 

No. 2. Hear the man talk. I say, Dutchy, do you make your sassage 
of buffalo meat and Indians.'* 

Miller, No, mine frient. You vash too smart. 

First Man. Tell us what you know about buffalo, Dutchy. 

Miller. Oxzickly. I vill tell you all about dot how I killed more as 
ein hundert biffelo all at one shot. 

All. One hundred buffalo ! 

Miller. Oxzickly. Ein hundred. I vill tell you all about dot. You 
see here vas a long blif, und here {poittts down back) vas it down more ash 
ein hundert feet {poi7itsfroiit)^ und here it vas down more as tswi hundert 
feet (points L). Dot vay vas all right und (poi7its R.), dot vay vas all 
right. Now, poys, here vos come more ash a hundred biffelo by himmel. 
Dot heat biffelo vas a big biffelo cow's proder, und I dink I vill fix dat 
feller. So I youst drop down {drops on 07ie k7iee) like dat, und I take 
goot aim like dat {to 7ne7i L). Say, mine good frient, you youst step 
ofer dot vay so I can shot dot biffelo. Plunk! {gets up) dot biffelo vas 
deat? No, py chiminy, he vas not deat. He vas alife und his sisters und 
him vas all coming after me. I shtart to run dot vay {poi7its R.), imd 
so help mine Gott, here vas come more as drei hundert Injuns, und of I 
go dot vay, der Injuns vould kill me, und of I go dot vay dot biffelo 
vould hook my prains out; und dere vos der Injins and dere vas der 
bif!ilo, und dere vas der bliff, und here vas der bliff, und I see right avay 
quick dot I haf to jump down dot bliff more ash zwei hundert feet to 
safe my life. So I get back bin und I shut up mine eyes, und I runs to 
der pi if und — {Miller sta7ids quite still a7id looks at the7n^ 

No, 2. Well, go on, Dutchy — what did you do? 

Miller. Vy dem Injuns youst went for dem biffelo and den shneaked 
avay, dot's all. 

First Ma7i. Boys, he's a confounded old fraud. Put him out. 

{Boys take hi7n by the ar7ns a7id start to lead hi7n out). 

Miller. Look here, poys. Better of you don't make foolishness mit 
me. 

{Enter Wils07i back C. He takes a close look at Aliller.) 

Wilso7i. Boys, what have you got here.'* 

First Man. "Oh, that is Barnum's ''What is it," and if you will name 
it you may have it. I call it an automatic sausage machine. 

Wilson, And I call you the biggest lot of fools that ever got together 
in one place. You are a nice set of lads to have charge of this business. 
{The 711671 all stare at hi7n. Miller co7nes do^iV7i). I am ashamed to be called 
one of you. 

First Man. Look here, Wilson, it is my opinion that you are saying 
a little too much. What do you mean.^ 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE, 



25 



Wilson. What do I mean? {Points to Miller.) Do any of jou block- 
heads know that man? 

AIL No! 

Wilson. Then I will tell you, although you ought all to be horse- 
whipped for jour stupidity. That Dutchman is a Yankee {men draw pis- 
tols) and none other than one of Dudley's best men. (Pulls off Miller* s 
zvig and hat, Meii quickly cover Miller with pistols). 

All. The Yankee Detective. {No. 3 springs and shuts door C.) 

Miller. Yes, gentlemen, if such you may be called, I am an opera- 
tive of Capt. Dudley's agency, at your mercy. Yet, would I take my 
chances here a thousand times, rather than be like that man {joints to 
Wilson)^ a traitor to the man that gives me employment. 

Wilson. Look here, Robert Miller, you had better be a little choice 
of your language. You are a good detective, and as a man I owe you 
no grudge, but you are this time in the wrong pew. You are our enemy, 
and that means death. Miller, I'm sorry for you, but you must remem- 
ber our reputation is at stake, and your liberty would be our downfall, 
and although I am sorry you were foolhardy enough to venture into our 
rendezvous, yet I must join with these, my comrades, in concealing our 
identity, even at the expense of your life or a dozen more. Come, men, 
the old tool house is just the place for him till we can find a way of 
getting rid of him. 

Miller. Men, is there no other alternative? _ 

All. None ! {Pirsi: inan afid No. 2 lead Mm to the dungeon. No. j un- 
locks and o^ens door) . 

Miller. Men, I fully realize my position, and while I know that to beg 
for favors of this band is useless, yet I would ask you in the name of 
right and justice — can you afford to add murder to your already long list 
of crimes? 

No. 2. Your theory like your sausage, is awfully thin, and won't save 
you in this case. 

Wilson. No, Miller, your doom is sealed, and further words are useless. 

Miller. Then, sir, I will die like a man, and it is a consolation to 
know that my last hours were spent in trying to bring to justice the ene- 
mies of society. {Exit through door. Men bar and lock door). 

Wilson {coming down). Boys, how long has that man been here, and 
how did he get in? 

First Man. Only a short time, Wilson. 

Nu. 2. But long enough to take in the situation and us too. 

i^o. 5'. Yes, and get taken in himself. Deuced lucky you chanced to 
get here in time to cook his goose. 

Wilson. But how are we to get rid of him ? 

First Man. Tap his jugular vein, of course, and when he is defunct, 
dig a hole in the cellar and chuck him in. 

Wilson. Boys, it's too early yet, and some one might pipe us. My 
idea is to wait till the tide is setting out, and then we can drop him into 
the water, and if the body is found, perhaps miles below here, no one 
will ever mistrust the work was done by any one in this vicinity. 

No. S' Boys, to me this is a serious mattei*, and I wish there was some 
way out of it'without committing murder {boys all laugh). Oh, you may 
call me a tenderfoot if you want to, but I mean it. 



26 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

Wilson, I presume we all feel just as you do. We would like to see 
some other way out, but there is no other alternative that I can see. 

No, 2. Gentlemen, Wilson is right. This man has entered our place 
of business for the purpose of spotting us, and should he live to reach 
Captain Dudley's agency again, our ruin would be certain, for he has 
spotted every one of us. There is only one thing that will save, us from 
wearing the striped jackets, and as he must have known it would be cer- 
tain death to be caught here, I say, let him pay the penalty of his folly. 

Several, That is business. 

No. 3, Boys, I believe we are all of one opinion. Self-defense is one 
of the first laws of nature, and that law I shall indorse every time. 

First Man, Men, there is no use of mincing this matter, our only 
safety lies in his death, and I move you that at 12 to-night he be taken 
care of. 

{All assent in sileftce.) 

Wilson (looks at tvatcJi), Then, gentlemen, as it is early yet, 1 will go 
over to the landing for a few minutes. Keep a sharp lookout, for he is 
liable to have pals lurking round. Where is Granny.? 

First Man, She's in the kitchen. (Calls.) Granny, come here! 

(Enter Granny Wizzle L. U. E.) 

Wilson, Granny, look here, we have caught an old rat, and to-night 
at 12 we are going to exterminate him. 

Granny, Ah, ha! I told them that Dutchman was an old fool, and 
now they've found it out, I guess. I tell ye I'm too old a bird to be 
ketched by chaff. 

Wilson, Well, we've locked him in the cell there, and we are all going 
away till midnight. You must keep awake till we come back. Listen 
close to see if any one comes prowling outside. 

First Man. Now, mind you, old woman, don't you get to sleep, or 
take too many nips from that little black bottle. 

Granny, I'd like to know if it's any of your business how many 
nips I take, as long as I pay for the fillin'. I'd like to spit in yer face, 
ye young upstart. 

Wilson, Never mind, Granny. Take as many sips as you like, only 
don't get drunk and forget yer business. And remember. Granny, don't 
answer any signals unless it is the correct rap. 

Granny, Now, you know, Mr. Wilson, it ain't necessary to say all 
that to me. If you was as cautious yerselves as the old woman is, it 
would be a mighty sight better for all on us. 

No. 2, Wilson, don't you think it's a better plan to lock the door out- 
side ? 

No. 3. That's business, Wilson, then we are sure everything is safe. 
If Wolcott comes some of us will see him before he reaches here. 

Wilson, All right, that's a s^ood plan, boys, and if any one comes, 
Granny, and gives the right rap, just tell them to wait outside till we 
return. 

Gra7tny {snappislily). Well, don't stand gabbin' here any longer or it 
will be midnight beibre you leave. 



W- 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 2j 

Wilson. That's a fact, Granny. Come, boys, are you all ready? 
Here, Granny, put this in your pocket to be handy in case of emergency. 
(Hands her ffistoL) Now keep your eyes and ears open," Granny, and you 
will lose nothing by it. Come, boys. {All exit back. Wilson holds door 
oj>en, going out last. Business of locking door on outside. Granny takes 
out old clay ^i^e and hag of tobacco^ fills a7id lights it^ at safue time says in 
a grufnblifig tone; others getting ready to leave during this speech^ 

Gra7iny. This is a nice piece of business, this is, to let that old fool 
get the drop on the boys in that way ; I knew all the time that he wasn't 
a Dutchman, but the fellers nowadays ain't as smart as when I was 
young. No, they ain't so smart as they was in them days. {Feels in 
pocket and takes out little black bottle.) They say the time is comin* when 
that stuff won't be made any more. Ah me, I hope it won't be in my 
day. Precious little comfort I'd git if it wasn't for my pipe anUerbacker, 
and the fillin' that* s in that little demijohn; (;<7/^^5 a drink) that's the 
stuff to limber up yer jints when ye have the rumatics. 

Miller {speaking through bars at door). I say, my good woman, come 
here to the door and let me tell you something. {Granny doesn^t appear 
to hear him.) If you will help me to get out of here, I will give you 
more money than you will get here in ten years. 

Granny. Now then, Mister, you might as well shut right up,* for ye 
are wastin' yer breath blabbin' at me. I wouldn't help ye to git out for 
all the money ye could stack in this house — and besides that I couldn't 
help ye if I wanted to, for the men have got the keys. Oh, ye will git 
out at midnight, if ye have patience. 

Miller, But, my good woman, let me appeal to your better nature. 
You are a woman. Perhaps you have sons. If j'our son was placed in 
the same position as I am in, with death staring him in the face, would 
you think it right for him to be murdered in cold blood for doing his 
duty, and obeying the orders given him.^* 

Granny. I haven't got any boys. If I had, and they wasn't any 
sharper than j^ou, I'd pizen qn^yj blamed one ov 'em. 

Miller. My good woman, do you think — 

Granny. It's none o' your bizness what I think. 

Miller. But, my good woman, just one w^ord. 

Grantiy. Shut up, an* don't speak tew me again. You've made a fool 
ov yerself pry in' round, and ye ought to pay fur it, an' I wouldn't help 
ye if I could. So now, let me be. 

Miller. Let me tell you what I wished to, and then I will be quiet. 

Granny {takes out pistol^ cocks it^ and lays it on table). Now look here, 
young man, if ye speak to me agin, I'll give ye all there is in that gun 
before ye can say scat. {She takes a dri7ik^ and yawns). 

Miller {-withdratving from door). Is there no way to circumvent that 
old hag.!* Great heavens! it is already after eleven. Those devils will 
dare to put their threat into execution. Here I am caught like a rat in a 
trap. I'm not prepared to die, but if I must I will sell life dearly. 
{Granny has nodded off to sleep ivitJi head on table.) Ha! The old wo- 
man is asleep ! I wonder if some of my keys will fit that lock {puts 
hand through bars and tries keys). No, that faint hope is crushed ere it 
is scarcely formed. If I only had a file I'd be able to fit a key to that 
lock. I wonder if I can't do it with my pocket knife file. {Takes out 



28 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

knife, opens, and files ofi key, stopping to try in lock). Another faint hope 
is dawning. It is lucky for me that those fellows didn't take the trouble 
to search for anything but my weapons. {Tries key again — it fits; un- 
locks door.) While there is life there is hope, and I may yet cheat them 
of their prey. {Takes out lock. As the bar on door Jails, a strain of soft 
7nusic, door szvings open, Miller goes on tiptoe to table, secures the pistol, 
placing i7i hip pocket. Music ceases.) Half the battle is won. Now to 
get out of these old barracks. {Examines door.) It is locked on the out- 
side, and as impossible to move as the rocks of Gibraltar. {Looks at 
'watch.) Great heavens, it only wants a quarter to twelve! Fifteen 
short moments and I will be a free man, or a corpse. {Lookiiig around 
roo7n.) If I could only find an axe or saw. {Looks all around, goes in 
room L. U. E. Soft music till he returns.) I can find nothing with which 
to make my escape. {Exainines pistol^ I will take my station at the 
door and as it is opened I will fire among them and make a bold dash 
for liberty. There is no moon, thank heaven! {suddenly pauses as a7i 
idea occurs to hiin.) Let me see — while I was playing the role of Dutch- 
man I thought I caught sight of a blind trap door. {Looks closely about 
floor and finds door, which he raises^ Well now, if I haven't struck a 
mine of tools, counterfeit money, and dies, and what is this.f^ {Takes out 
first bottle and reads label ^ Nitric acid! {Takes out a7iother and reads) 
Chloroform! {Springs to his feet.) That is just what I want. Now if 
I can work fast the battle is mine. {Puts down dooi", takes out haiidker- 
chief and saturates it with chloroform and holds it to Grantifs nose, who 
gradually seems to grow lifeless. Looks at watch.) Only ten minutes 
grace left. I guess you will give me no trouble now, old lady. {Carries 
Granny into dmigeon. Soft 7nusic till his returii. Miller puts on 
Granny'' s dress, wig, a^id cap, and walks with her ca7ie. Rap heard outside. 
He takes ca7idle fro77i table and goes to door; holds ca7idle over head. 
Raps heard.) 

Miller {in a squeaky voice). All right. . Why on arth don't ye come 
in.? Do ye s'pose I can open the door when it's locked on the outside.? 

{Dor ope7ts a7id Wilso7i cojnes i7i, followed by me7i. He discovers the 
door has bee7i ta7npered with.) 

Wilso7i, What does this mean.? {Looks i7tsidea7id sees Gran7iy, turns 
quickly.) Men, quick! Shoot the Yankee Detective. {Miller spri7igs 
out, pulling the door to behi7id hi77i, locks it on the outside. Me7i draw re- 
volvers, rusk to door but ca7t^t get out, Wilso7t points to Granny i7i cell.) 
Boys, there is the old woman, and that fellow has her gown on. Curse 
him ! We are nicely caught this time. {Men look i7i cell.) 

No. 2. I tell you, gentlemen, this isn't the last of it. We're caught 
in our own trap. 

No. ^. That's what's the matter. He will have a squad of police 
down on us before we can possibly escape. 

Wilson. Boys, there isn't even an ax in this place, everything is out- 
side except ourselves. 

First Man, Hold on, Wilson. Can't we get a hole through the roof? 
There is a rope in the other room. Let's draw some one up to the gar- 
ret and let him try it. I'll get the rope. {Exits L. U. E., a7id retur7is with 
rope. Wilso7i opens trap door a7id takes out packages of bogus bills, plates^ 
etc.) 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 39 

Wilson. Boys, let's get these things up to the garret as soon as the 
first n:an is up. Who has a large handkerchief? {No. 2 gives a big red 
one. Wilson proceeds to do the things in a bundle. A mail throws end 0/ 
rope over beams above^ and makes a loop in one e>id to admit a nuin's foot ) 
Here, Jim, we'll pull you up first. Put your foot in that loop — now, 
boys, get hold. {All take hold but Wilson^ -who holds bundle.) All 
together ! 

{At this ifistant the entire back wall jails in and shows platoon of police^ 
each carryi7ig a lantern^ and drawn r-3Volver. Miller steps iiiside.) 

Miller. Hands up! {All throw up ?^ Mr. Wilson, I will relieve you 
of your precious burden. {Hands bundle to police^ 

Wilson, Well, Yankee, you have got the drop on us. 

Miller. Yes, I've got the drop on you Wilson; I'm sorry for you, and 
as a token of my regard, and to show you just how sorry I am, allow 
me to present you with a pair of jewels. {Miller takes a pair of handcuffs 
from under coat^ Wilson draws a knije^ but Miller is too gtiickpor hifn and 
presents pistol, Wilson drops knife^ Mr. Wilson, place your left wrist in 
there. That's right. Now your other— there. {Locks tJiem^) Gentle- 
men, I am sorry I have only one set of bracelets, but I think we can 
manage to accommodate you all. {To police^ Officers, the first man who 
fails to obey orders make an example of him. {To prisoners?) Men, 
fall in line here; Wilson, you take the lead. {The men fall i 71, Miller 
goes behind, takes pistol from each jnan^s pockety and hands them to police?) 
Right face. {Men all j ace ahead toward Wilson^ Now each man place 
his hands on the next man's shoulder. {They obey?) If any one removes 
his hands I will not answer for the consequences. 

Wilson, Mr. Miller, where are you going with us.? 

Miller. I am to take your friends here to the City Cooler, and you 
have a special invite to appear at a reception to be held at Captain Dud- 
ley's headquarters as soon as I can escort you there. 

Wilson. The devil, you say. 

Miller. Forward, march ! {They march to the front K, cross to l^.and 
back, and out of door; as they disappear) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

Scene II. Same as before, with wall replaced. Miller in the disguise of 
the old woi7ian, seated at table^ candle on table. Cane on floor by his 
side. 

Miller. That Wilson beats my time. A trusted operator in Dudley's 
Detective Agency for a long time, and has had positions of trust assigned 
him, times without number. {Looks at watch.) I think Prof. Wolcott 
will be here soon, and I have reason to believe he will have the little 
widow with him. Wolcott is the man to account for her disappearance 
{Miller goes to door aiid looks out, the7i comes down). It seems to me they 

Note. The door in the back should be a little left of C, the wall from door to R. 
should be built up as high, or a little higher than a man's head, with blocks 4x4 8 
inches long, and the wings painted to match. At the sigfnal a heavy report should be 
made by striking on a bass drum; at the same instant the wall is pushed in with a crash 
showing the blue coats each with a bulls' eye or lantern, and a bead drawn on men 
inside. 






30 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

are a long time coming. (A sharp rap is heard at door. Miller takes 
cane^ hobbles to door^ stvifigs it wide open. ' Wolcott and Snifton appear in 
door ivith Mrs. Willoiighby.) 

Wol. Where are the boys, old woman? 

Miller. Thev were all here just a little time ago. They've gone over 
to the city, I guess. 

Wol. Did they leave any word for me, or say when they would be 
back ? 

Miller. No, they didn't; but who is the lady you have with you? 

Wol. This, Granny, is my wife that is to be, and I want to leave her 
in your charge till 1 can get a minister. 

Mrs. W. {whose hands are tied). It's false! Would he tie my hands in 
that brutal manner if I were to be his wife? No, that villain has brought 
me from Long Branch without my consent. 

Wol. Mrs. W. I am glad you have found your tongue again. Your 
wrath makes you better looking every minute. Keep on and you will be 
a handsome woman somiC day. I will untie your hands now if you will 
agree not to pull your own hair all out; {imties her) I would be sorry to 
have a bald-hraded wife. 

Mrs. W. You are a wretch, and if I am ever at liberty you shall 
repent this day's work; {to Miller). You are a woman. Have you no 
pity on me? Be my friend, and I will reward you well. 

Miller, What's the matter o' ye woman? That ain't no way to take 
on 'bout yer future husband. Don't make a fool of yerself. Stand up 
bravely and have the knot tied, and after yer spliced then ye can pull his 
har and scratch his eyes out if ye want to. It will only be in keeping 
with married life. 

WoL That's business. Granny. You know how it is yerself, don't ye. 
Come, Mrs. W., let me escort you into the parlor till I return with the 
priest {leads her to dungeon^. 

Mrs. W. Oh, I beg of you, woman, help me out of this terrible place. 
{Wolcott lochs door and ptcts key in pocket) 

Miller. Oh, ye needn't look to me for help. I've something else to 
do but listen to wimmen who wliines about their future husbands. 

Wol, Now, granny, go to the kitchen and prepare a nice lunch while 
I am gone, and if any of the boys come, tell them to stay right here till I 
come back. I won't be gone long. Snifton, you take that hack back as 
soon as possible, then return to witness my marriage {exit Snifto^i).^ and, 
my dear Mrs. W. I hope to find you in better spirits when I return, for 
I shall have a minister with me to make us one. Bye, bye, dear. {Throws 
a hiss), Ta, ta, darling. {Exit door back?) 

Mrs. W. {behind the bars). Oh, my dear woman, is there no way I can 
touch your heart? I will pay you well. 

Miller {cofning and utilocking door), Mrs. Willoughby, banish your 
fears, for I am your friend. I am Robert Miller, but just now playing 
the role of an old woman. 

Mrs. W. {comiiig out., Hesitates) Can I trust you? Yes, thank heaven, 
I am saved. Mr. Miller, how can I ever repay you? I believe heaven 
sent you to my rescue, but, Mr. Miller, are you quite safe? That man is 
to return soon, and if he should, heaven protect us both, for he is a demon 
in human form. 



,^^! 



THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. gl 

Miller. We must be in readiness when he comes. , 

M7's, W, Oh, Mr. Miller, let us go at once. 

Miller, No, Mrs. Willoughby, I am not ready to go yet, and it isn't 
safe for you to go alone. Follow my advice and right will triumph over 
wrong. Wolcott (or Phelps, as you know him), is the leader of a gang of 
counterfeiters, and this is their rendezvous. They have all been captured 
but he, and we shall soon bring him to justice. Put these pistols under 
your cloak, and when the time comes show them you are not the timid 
creature they took you for. 

Mrs. W. Oh, Mr. Miller, I couldn't use one even to save my own 
life. I was always a coward with fire arms. 

Miller. You must forget that feeling, Mrs. WiUoughby. As soon as 
Wolcott sees them and knows whose hands he is in, he will be as peni- 
tent as a whipped cur. Now please go back into the dungeon, and when 
he comes don't get excited or show by word or look that he is in our 
power. Let him and his would-be priest go on with their plan till you 
see my signal. Then present both pistols on a level with Wolcott's head. 

Mrs. W. Mr. Miller, I feel as if I were not equal to the occasion, but I 
"will do the best I can. (Mrs. W.goes in the cell., and Mliler locks the door?) 

Miller, I guess we were none too soon, for I hear footsteps. {A strain 
of music as the door swijtgs open and Wolcott steps in., Jollazved by Splint- 
ers disguised as a priest ^ 'while Snifton brings up the rear.) 

Wol. Well, old woman, haven't any of those men come yet.? 

Miller. No they haint. 

Wol. Well, that's queer, but I can't afford to wait for them, so Father 
Lamont, we will begin at once. {Unlocks door and leads Mrs. W. out.) 
My dear, I am happy to find your anger has subsided during my absence. 
My love, allow me to present to you the Rev. Father Lamont, who is to 
make us man and wife. 

Splint. My dear young lady, I see you are very timid, and I sympa- 
thize with you. However, as I take it for granted that it is your wish 
that I proceed with the nuptial ceremony, I will do so. According to the 
laws of this State, I must state that if any one knows of any reason why 
these two people should not be made man and wife, let him speak now 
or forever after hold his peace. 

Mrs. W. I have a good reason for not wishing to be married. It is 
against my will. 

Wol. Proceed. She isn't responsible just now. 

(^Miller throws off his disguise and presents two pistols. Mrs. W, throws 
off cloak and presents two more.) 

Miller. Charles Southard, perhaps two objections are better than one, 
and allow me to" inform you that you are our prisoner. Stir a step and 
your life is not worth a farthing. 

(Splifiters and Snifton both drop on their knees in a supplicating manner. 
Wolcott stands with clenched fists ., a picture of defiance.) 

Wol. What infernal trap is this you are trying to get me into.? Man, 
why are you masquerading here in this manner.? Who are you.? 

Miller. I am Robert Miller, the brother of a lady you ofice called your 
wife ; the brother of the wronged Lulu Miller. 



32 THE YANKEE DETECTIVE. 

Wol. That is a lie. She was never my wife — I was never married to her. 

Miller. We shall see whether ifsalie. Hold up your h^nds. {Wol- 
cott holds up his ha7ids. Miller puts pistol in Ms belt; takes Wolcott^s pis- 
tol and a kntfefrom his belt tinder his coat. Now, Charles Southard, give 
me that marriage certificate you have in your breast pocket. 

Wol. I havenH got it. 

Miller. Give me that paper or take the consequences of refusal. 
( Wolcott takes out a large envelope and gives to Miller^ 

Wol. There it is. You have had your own way. Now will you 
release us.-* 

Miller. Charles Southard, that part of my mission is done. This cer- 
tificate will clear my sister's name from the disgrace yQw tried to place 
upon it, but I have another mission to perform — a duty which I owe to 
my employer. You, Charles Southard, alias Wolcott, alias Phelps, etc., 
are the leader of tbe gang of counterfeiters who make this their rendez- 
vous. Your men are all in the city jail, your spurious money and dies 
are at Dudley's Detective headquarters. I am the blind musician whom 
you saw at Tucker's, better known to you and your gang as the Yankee 
Detective, and you are my prisoner. (Miller gives a sharp ivhistle. 
Three police?nen enter at back). Officers, escort these men to the city jail. 

Splint. Gentlemen, I assure you I am not one of this man's pals. I 
am a peaceful citizen. 

Snif. So be I. 

Splint. I am sorry I was so foolish as to be led into iniquity by this 
bold, bad man. 

Snif. So be I. 

Splint. But, gentlemen, if you will allow me to depart in peace I 
assure you I will profit by this lesson, and will never be caught in bad 
company, 

Snif. Neither will I. 

Miller. Are you a minister, sir.? 

Splint. No, sir {Splinters takes of robe and cap)^ but poverty tempted 
me to don the garb of a priest, for that man was to pay me well. 

Sfiif. And me too. 

Miller. Well, it isn't for me to judge you. We have a man up at the 
Court who is paid for doing that sort of thing. 

{First officer puts handcuff's on Wolcott. Second takes Splinters by arm; 
third takes Snijton. Mrs. W. gives pistols to Miller). 

Miller {to audience). And now we have finished our mission satisfac- 
toril_y to myself, and I hope to you. 

Splint. Allow me to make one remark before being shut up. If I 
ever get out of this scrape alive, I will be an honest man, and turn to my 
old profession of practicing law. 

Snif. So will I. 

Miller. Then, kind people, I will escort Mrs. Willoughby to her 
friends, but before leaving, allow me to extend to you the best wishes of 
The Yankee Detective. 

R. Officer, Wolcott, Officer, Snifton, Officer, Splinters. L. 

Mrs. W. Miller. * 

curtain. 



p 



m-- 



THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA. 

Pricr, IS cis. each^ fosi-paid. 

These plays are all short, and very funny. Nothing poor in the list. They 
serve admiraoly to g"ive variety to a proeramme. The female characters may be 
assumed by males in most cases. Where something^ thoroughly comiod, but 
unobjectionable is wanted, they are just the thing-, 

STAGE STRUCK l>AJtKT. 

A very funny '* take-off" on tragedy; 2 male, i female. Time 10 minutes. 
STOCKS UP— STOCKS DOWN. 

2 males; a played* out author and his sympathizing friend; very funny and full 
of " business " and practical jokes. Time 10 minutes. 

nE!AJP—IN A SOBN. 

2 males; negro musician and a deaf pupil. A very interesting question sudden- 
ly enables the latter to hear. Full of first-class " business.** Time S minutes. 

HANDY ANDT. 

2 males; master and servant. The old man is petulant and the servant makes 
all sorts of ludicrous mistakes and misunderstands every order. Very lively in 
notion. Time 10 minutes. 

THJS MISCSIEVOUS NIQGEB, 

A farce; 4 males, 3 females. Characters: The mischievous nigger, old man, 
French barber, Irishman, widow, nurse. Time 20 minuies. 

THE SHAM DOCTOR. 

A negro farce ; 4 males, 2 females. This is a tip-top farce. The "sham doctor*' 
can not fail to bring down the house. Time 15 minutes. 

NO CURE, NO PAT. 

3 males, i female. Doctor Ipecac has a theory that excessive terror will cure 
people who are deaf and dumb. His daughter's lover is mistaken for the patient 
to the terror of all. Only one darky. A capital little piece for schools or parlor. 
Time 10 minutes. 

TRICKS. 

5 males, 2 females. (Only two darkys, i male, i female.) A designing old 
step -father wishes to marry his step -daughter for her money. She and her lover 
plan an elopement. The old man discovers it and has an ingenious counter -plot— 
which fails completely, to his discomfiture. Time 10 minutes. Suited to parlor 
performance. 

HAUNTED HOUSE. 

a males. A white- washer encounters ** spirits*' in a house he has agreed to 
white-wash. Plenty of business. Time 8 minutes, 

THE TWO POMPETS. 

4 males, A challenge to a duel is worked up in a very tunny way. Time 
8 minutes, 

AN UNHAPPY PAIR. 

3 males, and males for a band. Two hungry niggers strike the musician? 
for a square meal. Good for school or parlor| and very funny. Time 10 mmutes. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




List 1 5 Cts. Postpaid. Catalogues Free. 



^NISON. 



016 225 894 1 <_ 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drama in five acts ; 7 male and 4 fe- 
male characters. Time, 2 hours. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in four acts ; 7 male and 3 fe- 
male. Time, i hour 15 m. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 

A ludicrous farce ; 8 male. Time, 25 m. 

TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. 

A humorous farce based on boarding- - 
school life ; 7 female characters. Time, 
25 m. 

THE ASSESSOR. 

A humorous sketch; 3 male and 2 fe- 
male. Time, 15 m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 

A ludicrous farce; 3 male and S fe- 
male. Time, 30 m. 

COUNTRY JUSTICE. 

A very amusing- country law suit; 8 
male characters. (May admit 14.) Time, 
15 ra. 

THE PULL-BACK. 
A laug-hable farce; 6 female. Time, 
20 min. 

HANS VON SMASH. 
A roaring- farce in a prologue and one 
act; 4 male and 3 female, lime, 30 m. 

OUR COUNTRY. 

A patriotic drama in three parts. Re- 
quires 9 male, 3 female, (Admits 9 male 
!«; female.) Four fine tableaux. Time, 
about I hour. 

THE SCHOOL MA'AM, 

A briliant comedy in four acts; 6 male, 
5 female. Time, i hour 45 min. 

THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. 

A lively farce ; 3 male, 3 female. Time, 
45 m. 

THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS; Or, the 
Great Exodus. 

A roaring- farce; 5 male, i female. 
Time, 30 m. 

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. 

A splendid farce; 3 male, 6 female. 
Time, 45 m. 

IS THE EDITOR IN? 

A farce; 4 male and 2 female. 

AN ONLY DAUGHTER. 

A drama in three acts ; 5 male and 2 
female. Time, i hour 15 m. 

PETS OF SOCIETY. 

A farce in high life ; 7 females. Time, 
30 m. 



HARD CIDER. 

A very amusing temperance sketch ; 4 
male, 2 female. Time, 20 m. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in five acts; 9 male and 4 fe- 
male characters. Time, 1 hour 45 m. 

UNDER THE LAURELS. 

A drama in five acts ; a stirring 
fully equal to Louva the Pauper, 
male, 4 female. Time, i hour 45 m. 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 

A temperance drama in five acts; 12 
male and 4 female. 
— o 

Plays by H. EUlo tt MoBrlde. 

ON THE BRINK. 

A temperance drama in two acts; 12 
male, 3 female. Time, i hour 45 m. 

A BAD JOB. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 30 m. 

PLAYED AND LOST. 

A sketch; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 
20 m. 

MY JEREMIAH. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m- 

LUCY'S OLD MAN. 

A sketch; 2 male, 3 female. Time, 20 
m. 

THE COW THAT KICKED CHICAGO. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m. 

I'LL STAY AWHILE. 

A farce; 4 male. Time, 25 m. 



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— Price 26 cts. 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON SPEAKER * 

A choice collection. Three parts : for 
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WORK AND PLAY. 

BY MARY J. jACqUES. 

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